Grief is a profoundly personal experience, and it’s often portrayed through the widely recognised five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages were first introduced by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her seminal 1969 book On Death and Dying. At the time, there was very little education about death and dying in medical schools, which motivated Kübler-Ross to share her observations from her work with terminally ill patients.
Since the book’s publication, the five stages have become deeply ingrained in popular culture. However, many people may be surprised to learn that Kübler-Ross never intended for these stages to represent a linear progression of grief. Instead, they were meant to describe the emotional processes that her patients went through as they came to terms with terminal diagnoses. In later years, Kübler-Ross herself expressed regret that the stages had been widely interpreted as a fixed and predictable order of grief. She noted in her 2004 book On Grief and Grieving that grief is not a uniform process and that these stages should not be viewed as a definitive roadmap.
Grief Is Personal and Non-Linear
Research has shown that there is no clear evidence that people necessarily experience these stages, or that they do so in a particular order. Grief is an entirely individual journey, shaped by personal experiences and the unique relationship each person had with the loved one they have lost. It’s important to recognise that mourning doesn’t follow a prescribed pattern; there is no universal timeline, and no two people grieve in exactly the same way.
Many people in mourning find themselves wishing for a checklist, something to mark the end of their grief
However, grief doesn’t have a clear endpoint. Similar to personal growth, mourning is a process that evolves over time, and we may never feel fully “done” with it. The truth is, life continues, and so does the experience of grief. We eventually find what is often referred to as a “new normal”—a way of living and being in the world without the physical presence of the person we’ve lost.
Moving Through Grief: Acceptance and Gratitude
Although grief doesn’t have a fixed structure, it is not something that will last forever in its most intense form. Over time, the overwhelming sorrow that accompanies the loss of a loved one softens, and what remains is often a bittersweet mixture of sadness and gratitude. While we may never fully be free from the pain of losing someone close to us, we can come to a place of appreciation for the time we spent with them and the love we shared. This shift in perspective allows us to continue forward, carrying our loved ones in our hearts and minds.
Seeking Support During Grief
Grief can be isolating and confusing, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. Therapy, including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), can be incredibly helpful in processing emotions related to loss and finding ways to reconnect with your sense of self. EFT helps individuals explore their emotional responses and work through the feelings and dynamics that may arise after losing someone important.
If you would like support, please do not hesitate to contact me through email. I am seeing clients online globally and in-person from my office in Hove. Together, we can explore strategies to help you through the grieving process and work towards healing.
