Couples Counselling brighton hove

Staying Together After the Affair Part 2


The discovery of an affair is a devasting for everyone involved. Below are some thoughts to help you navigate this time.

It is Essential That You End the Affair:

It is just not possible to work on your relationship if there is a third party waiting in the wings for you. You cannot be emotionally present in the work if you are still in contact with the other person.

Show Empathy:

You may feel justified in having an affair; you may be harbouring feelings of anger or hurt. However, it is crucial that you understand the impact of the betrayal on your partner and communicate this understanding to help work through this crisis stage and allow the healing process to begin.

Showing Remorse:

The acknowledgement that you are sorry and the behaviour will not happen again is powerful and reassuring for your partner. Work on communicating this positively, lovingly and frequently.

Share Desired Details:

Transparency around requested details is key to rebuilding trust and helping your partner understand and heal from the infidelity.

Be Willing to Assure Your Partner:

Assurance may involve requests for access to passwords, personal accounts, social media, your work schedule, leisure time, travel plans.

Expect Ups & Downs:

Recovery from an intimate affair has been compared to riding an emotional rollercoaster. Expect the unexpected, business, as usual, is on hold for a while.

Being Patient:

It is essential to work on developing realistic expectations about the process of healing for yourself and in relationship with your partner’s process.

Identify Triggers:

Create a plan so that you can deal with any potential temptations, possible run-ins with a third party, and any other triggers; music, places, events.

Essential Examination of The Reasons The Affair Happened:

Gaining insight into the reasons for the affair is necessary for your understanding and your relationship future. What were your intentions? What were you looking to get from it?

Identification of Areas of the Relationship That Need Improvement:

What will make the relationship more loving, intimate, exciting and passionate for you?

Identify Areas of the Relationship That Have Worked:

What initially drew you to your partner? Moreover, why are you choosing to stay?

Honest Discussions Around the Definition of Commitment:

Does monogamy work for you at this stage in your life? Supported discussions around boundaries and what you want your relationship to look like moving forward.

Forgive Yourself Often:

The hardest person to forgive is ourselves. Cultivating compassion is an integral part of the process of understanding and healing for ourselves and our partners.

Note: Although working through betrayal can positively transform our relationship, this is a challenging process. The pain can be overwhelming; the road can be long and trying. The healing process is often lengthy, demanding, involves triggers, vulnerabilities and unpredictable emotion.

Another question you might consider is the alternative, separating, withdrawal, or continued infidelity. Whatever your decision, it is essential to acknowledge that you are not alone in this experience. With support and understanding, there is a great hope for a relationship after infidelity.

Please contact me if you would like to discuss getting support individually or with your partner.

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