sexuality sexual health blog brighton hove

What do we know about sexual fantasies?


Sexual fantasies? Do we all have them?

Sexual fantasies are mental images of an erotic nature that can lead to sexual arousal. Some wish their sexual fantasies could come true, but they don’t have to materialise to be effective. Sometimes this is what makes them arousing.

We all know how successful and popular the book series ‘Fifty Shades’ became.

Our sexual fantasies are often connected to our first sexual experiences. These experiences tend to imprint in our brain and become memorable for years to come, so they show up in our mind when we become aroused. What we fantasise when we’re getting it on can also be a result of something we have watched or read.

Fantasies can reflect our personality. For example, extroverts tend to fantasise about sexual activities with more than two people, while introverts might be more into quieter activities.

Sexual fantasies are safe. No one else knows what they. They happen in our mind when we masturbate or when we have sex with our partner. Usually, the peak of the plot in our fantasy is what pushes us over the edge and leads to a beautiful release.

When people have fantasies that veer from what is ‘appropriate’ they sometimes try to suppress them, and they end up being preoccupied or controlled by them. Think of a fetish. People are self-conscious enough to talk about their fantasies when these are relatively ‘vanilla’ so imagine the possible embarrassment in someone’s mind when they get off by being dressed up as a furry animal or when they are worshipping someone’s feet. Being open about it can be difficult, and the fear and anxiety about being judged if anyone knew can be paralysing.

In my work with couples and individuals, I make a point to bring up the topic. People are initially shy or embarrassed to talk about it. They often haven’t told each other out of fear of being judged.

Most of us would probably feel this way. We are socialised to think that there is only one way to have sex and we might think that all other sex is not ‘normal’ or ‘the right kind’.

I find that when I ask my clients about their fantasies, it’s liberating for them. They can finally talk about what’s in their head.

Most of the time, it seems we are fantasising about having specific psychological needs met, like being wanted, and feel desired and sexually competent. Sharing our fantasies with our partner can potentially bring us closer and make for better sex. However, we need to start with learning how to accept our sexual fantasies and be accepting of ourselves first.

If you decide to share your fantasies, start with the less adventurous ones and go from there. You don’t have to get it all out at once. This will help you start feeling more comfortable talking about sex and can contribute to increased intimacy and trust in your relationship.

Please do not hesitate to get in touch to talk more about how couples counselling can support you in your intimate life together.

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