How Developmental and Single Event Trauma Affect Communication in Relationships
Trauma, whether experienced over a long period (developmental trauma) or in a single, life-altering moment (single event trauma), can shape the way we connect with others. When these past wounds go unresolved, they often create blocks in communication that manifest as disconnection, misunderstandings, and even feelings of isolation within our relationships.
The Layers of Trauma: Developmental and Single Event
Developmental trauma refers to the repeated experiences of neglect, abuse, or emotional deprivation during childhood. These ongoing experiences can influence how we learn to trust others, express vulnerability, and communicate our needs. Over time, developmental trauma can shape our perception of relationships, making safety and connection feel uncertain.
Single-event trauma, on the other hand, is an isolated, impactful experience, like a car accident, assault, or sudden loss. While it might not span years like developmental trauma, a single event can shake our sense of security, leading us to view the world and others through a lens of fear and distrust. Both types of trauma imprint emotional patterns that make true intimacy and communication difficult.
But why do these experiences cause so much disconnection?
The Iceberg of the True Self: Wise Adult, Adaptive Child, and Wounded Child
Imagine your psyche as an iceberg. At the top is your Wise Adult, the calm, rational part of you capable of seeing things clearly and navigating life with wisdom. The Wise Adult is your true self, capable of empathy, effective communication, and creating safe connections. It’s the part of you that can make thoughtful decisions, communicate effectively, and understand both your needs and the needs of others.
However, beneath the surface are two other powerful forces: the Adaptive Child and the Wounded Child.
The Wounded Child
The Wounded Child represents the part of you that was hurt by trauma. It holds the pain, fear, and vulnerability that stem from past experiences. The Wounded Child often feels abandoned, rejected, or unsafe. When trauma is triggered, this part may resurface, usually leading to intense emotions such as anger, sadness, or overwhelming anxiety.
When in the Wounded Child state, your primary motivation is protection and survival. This can make communication difficult because you may react with defensiveness, withdrawal, or even aggression to avoid being hurt again. You may feel flooded with emotions that cloud your ability to engage in open, meaningful dialogue.
The Adaptive Child
The Adaptive Child is the part of you that developed coping mechanisms to navigate a world without guaranteeing safety. While these coping mechanisms help you survive trauma, they often become maladaptive in adult relationships.
The Adaptive Child shows up as controlling behaviours, perfectionism, people-pleasing, avoidance, or aggression. This part of you often tries to control situations or people, believing that it can prevent future pain. However, these adaptive strategies usually backfire, creating disconnection in relationships instead of intimacy. This part may take over in moments of conflict, making it hard for you to access your Wise Adult.
Disconnection in Relationships
When unresolved trauma surfaces, it can create reactive cycles of disconnection with loved ones. You might feel triggered by a partner’s behaviour, withdrawing into the Wounded Child or reacting defensively from the Adaptive Child. This reactivity can lead to negative communication patterns, leaving both partners feeling unheard, misunderstood, or emotionally flooded. The trauma you experienced distorts your perception, making it difficult to see your partner’s actions clearly and respond with empathy.
Instead of feeling safe and connected, you find yourself stuck in conflict and emotional distance cycles. But there is hope—by identifying and understanding these parts of yourself and how they interact in moments of disconnection, you can begin to heal and communicate differently.
Breaking the Cycle with Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) offers a powerful approach to breaking free from these patterns of disconnection. Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT helps couples identify their reactivity and emotional flooding cycles, guiding them back to a place of safety and connection.
In EFT, the focus is on identifying the negative cycle that both partners are trapped in. This cycle often involves each person’s Wounded Child and Adaptive Child reacting to the other’s behaviour. For example, one partner might withdraw when they feel overwhelmed (Adaptive Child), which triggers abandonment fears in the other partner (Wounded Child), who responds by pushing harder for connection—leading to even more withdrawal.
You can learn to step out of these reactive cycles using EFT. The therapist helps you slow down and recognise when you’re in your Wounded Child or Adaptive Child state. As you become aware of these parts of yourself, you can consciously choose to engage your Wise Adult instead.
With the Wise Adult in charge, you’re able to:
- Pause before reacting: Recognise when trauma is being triggered and stop yourself from falling into the same patterns of disconnection.
- Express vulnerability: Share your emotions from a place of authenticity rather than defensiveness or control.
- Create safety: Respond to your partner’s needs with empathy, reinforcing trust and connection.
As you practice these new ways of relating, your partner also learns to engage their Wise Adult. Over time, these moments of connection build trust, replacing the old trauma-driven cycles with healthier, more secure communication patterns.
Conclusion: Healing Through Connection
Understanding the roles of the Wise Adult, Adaptive Child, and Wounded Child can help you navigate the emotional landscapes of your relationships. Trauma may have taught you to protect yourself through disconnection, but it doesn’t have to define your future. By identifying these parts and using EFT to change your reactivity, you can transform how you connect with loved ones.
Healing is possible, and through conscious effort, you can build a life of deeper connection, understanding, and love.
If you would like to explore this more, please contact me: . I and seeing my clients on-line globally and in person from my office in Hove.
